gurf.com - humor - Eating Right

     We’re always hearing about five major food groups, but so far no one has gotten them correct. Well I’ve finally figured them out. They are protein, starch, salt, sugar, and alcohol. What could be simpler than that.
     Trouble is, people keep trying to include fresh vegetables. Carrots and celery are not a meal, unless you sport tall ears, a twitchy nose, and call yourself a rodent.
     For that matter even mice prefer cheese or peanut butter. If you don’t believe me bait your trap with zucchini and see what happens.
     Okay— I’m thinking, I’m hungry. So I open the fridge and what do I see. Never ham or leftover roast. Just bag after bag of cucumbers and lettuce aging by the hour, cheerfully toted in by well-meaning friends and family members.
     I don’t like puttering in the kitchen anyway. So if I’m going to spend half-an-hour selecting, washing, slicing, and chopping, I want a meal to show for it, not a bowl of pulp and juice.
     As a single guy who can find himself between love slaves, I often eat alone, so am uninspired in the kitchen. I have more important things to think about— the salvation of the human race, the Nightly Business Report, and my next pair of lesbians.
     Consequently I don’t eat well, pulling an entire night at the computer fortified by nothing more than a cup of coffee and a Twinkie.
     But as soon as I knock off I make up for it by remembering the basic food groups, settling into Bloomberg Money with a late breakfast of tortilla chips and medium salsa, aided most satisfactorily by Barton’s Very Old bourbon whiskey splashed over freezer-fresh miniblocks of solidified H2O.

~ Gurf